Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

:iconrandomphilosopher:
I am a Spanish major, and am not qualified to say much yet, as my Spanish is still fledgling, but I did understand a fair bit of it.

I am a novice poet, but perhaps I can critique anyway? The word "inspiras" confuses me... I may be missing a meaning of it, but perhaps it should be "aspiras"? Also, I am not sure about the word "sombres." Other than that, I believe that yes, the Spanish does add a great deal to it. It brings forth the spirit of the country, which makes me happy. I know just the tiniest bit of Colombia, but I believe you have captured it beautifully.

As for the repetition, I believe you have just the right amount. In no way is it overdone, but as it is, it gives the piece a feeling of longing and grows the image of her disquiet, as in por el mar, por la sal del mar and bloated to inflamados.

As for your definition, I love how you've applied it to Colombia! I can easily see how Colombia would be a sea lion ever clumsy in her awkward cities, but longs to release herself in the quiet or vicious beauty of the sea. I wish I could say something more intelligent, but alas!

The only part I am on the fence about is the ending. I know my first few reads I found it weak, but the more I read it, the more I came to understand it and loved it. I only use that to explain why I mark off on impact - though that may be just my little foible.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so very much! I'm glad you enjoyed this. You might find my self-translation in my comments a bit helpful ;) I was trying to play with some of the many Spanish words for "to breathe," but I might have used "inspirar" wrong. I'll take another peek at it.

Any idea what made the end seem weak to you? I suppose I'm on the fence about it as well - it feels like the ending, but it doesn't sound like it. Does that make sense?

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to comment :)
Reply
:iconrandomphilosopher:
randomphilosopher Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   General Artist
You're welcome! I thought maybe I was questioning it because I wondered just how you might give Colombia a taste of the sea, thus my logical brain possibly inhibiting my poetic one. Associating diamonds with the sea also might have posed problems, but in the end, I don't really know what it was or is.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hmmm. I was trying to frame the sea-salt as diamonds. Do you think there's another way I could phrase it that would make that clearer?
Reply
:iconrandomphilosopher:
randomphilosopher Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   General Artist
OH - ! You say that and I think, no, duh!
Haha, I think it is clear, after all.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, okay. Thanks for your feedback!
Reply
:iconrandomphilosopher:
randomphilosopher Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
Add a Comment: